Guns don’t kill people, videogames do.
on Feb 01 by

Guns don’t kill people, videogames do.

I’d like to say that videogames have never made me violent – but I can’t.  I bought Super Ghouls and Ghosts in 1993 and both the spare room in my grandmother’s house and my older brother’s face still bear the scars to this day. Dented plaster-work and a chipped tooth being the price of having to ‘beat’ a game twice in a row. In one sitting.

 

My grandfather ‘banned’ our SNES for the rest of that summer holiday. After whipping my bare back with a 24 inch length of plastic curtain rail, he locked the SNES away in the top-most closet in the pantry – not to be seen again until September, when my parents came to collect me.

 

On the one hand, I spent far more time out in the sunshine than I would have done normally. On the other, that was the summer I had my first cigarette, had my first taste of alcohol – and learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what was really underneath Kathryn Amis’ impossibly tight sweater.

 

Two of those experiences I have continued through to my adult life – Kathryn Amis told me I was a ‘fucking prick’ that same september and I haven’t seen her since.

 

I was 15. And I blame Nintendo.

 

 

I now smoke 20-30 a day, I definitely drink too much and I don’t currently have a girlfriend. If I die of liver failure or a smoking related disease –  I want you to understand that it is definitely Nintendo’s fault.

 

About five, years later I was at university. The N64 was out and I really wanted to buy one. Mario 64! Mario Kart! Oh my days!

 

How much would I have loved to have had that console Day One. Except, I couldn’t afford it – seriously £70 per game and a £299 price tag for the console itself?! You kids with your crazy Amazon discounts? Honestly, you’ve never had it so good!

 

I’d already spunked my student loan right up the wall. On a Sony Playstation as it happens – I don’t care how good Final Fantasy VII was, it just didn’t have the visual impact of Shigeru Miyamoto’s legendary platformer – or the multi-player thrills of Goldeneye!

 

Some friends of mine had an N64 though, and they didn’t mind me popping over to play it as often as I wanted to. They also really liked marijuana and ketamine too, and I must admit, it didn’t take me long to acquire a taste for them either! : )

 

Choo Choo!

 

I’d have to go home eventually though, and as much as I LOVED Alundra, it wasn’t Mario 64. One evening, I was trying to defeat Zorgia – easily the hardest boss in the game for me. I hated that scaly bastard.

 

You’ll have to forgive me, thanks to a particularly depressing comedown, my recollection of this is kinda sketchy – anyway, to cut a long story short I smashed my PlayStation controller into the front of one of those glass fronted Fire Alarm boxes in my Student Halls corridor.

 

It was like, 3am in the morning. The firebrigade got called out, all the students were out in the cold wrapped in their duvets, girls shivering in their Hello Kitty pyjamas! People were really pissed off at me.

 

As well as getting hit by a rather hefty fine, I got thrown out of halls of residence after that – which really sucked as I had to move in with my N64-owning, K-hole buddies.

 

I traded my PlayStation for a VERY entertaining night out in Manchester city center and University kinda fell by the wayside after that.

 

I never did finish my English degree.

 

I was 20. And I blame Sony.

 

 

If I die, having never made it as a Journalist, I want you to know – it’s definitely Sony’s fault.

 

Last year started off pretty good! Even though my marriage was in ruins, I did get to see my kids now and then – more so since I’d got out of rehab. I got a job selling caravans and I was pretty good at it actually. I was doing really well for myself.

 

I had an Xbox 360 at home. What a console! Have you played Lost Odyssey? Marvellous, isn’t it? And that Beyonetta?! Hooo-weee!  Videogames have certainly come in in leaps and bounds since i was a kid! My kids blood love that Call of Duty. Black Ops, Modern Warefare, they’re all over that game.

 

My kids also love Crash Bandicoot: Mind Over Mutant.

 

I don’t love Crash Bandicoot: Mind Over Mutant.

 

Just thinking about it makes me want to strangle a dog with my bare hands. My therapist suggests this is not normal – or what she calls ‘an appropriate response’ – but if you’ve ever had to listen to that game at full volume for like, 12 hours straight you’ll know exactly what I mean.

 

Throw in the incessant arguments and the high pitched squeals you’d associate with a 5 and 7 year old, and you’ll know EXACTLY why I snapped.

 

So I took a leaf out of my Grandfather’s book, and I decided there was only one course of action. I locked the children in the cupboard under the stairs and went to the pub to ‘teach them a lesson’…

 

Nothing like the twin punishments of ‘No Xbox!’ and the sound of an eerily empty house, to bring the youth of today back in line! : )

 

I came home two days later after an abusive call from my next-door neighbour – apparently the police were round my house. My eldest son, the one that wasn’t as dehydrated managed to kick the door open, had gone next door and phoned their mother. She was oh-so-very keen to press charges!

: (

 

I can’t say I enjoyed the following 24 hours in police custody.

 

I’m 35 years old. And I blame Microsoft.

 

 

If I go to prison – and die there for the charges of  neglect – I’d like you all to understand, this is definitely Microsoft’s fault.

 

I can’t say I’m in a particularly happy place right now. I don’t see my kids, I have no meaningful relationships with women. I don’t actually own a console any more. I’ve got to be honest, I can’t really afford them – but I do have a Samsung Galaxy SIII which I got second hand from CEX.

 

I’m playing an awful lot of Order and Chaos now that the latest update removed the subscription fee – but I’m kind of sick of the endless nerfs the Monk Class is getting. Actually it makes me feel quite angry – I swear I’m not as effective a healer as I once was…

 

Anyway…

 

Apart from my solicitor, partying up with my guild is probably the only meaningful contact I have with other human beings, which I guess is better that actual loneliness, right?

 

Anyway, enough about me! lol! Before I go though, I just want you to know. If I shoot myself tonight – it’s definitely Android’s fault.

 

Until next time – if there IS a next time.

 

Lots of love

ILJG xxx

 

ILJG runs the I Love Japanese Games Facebook Page.
His views are not those held by Rice Digital or it’s partners.