Guns don’t kill people, videogames do.
on Feb 01 by

Guns don’t kill people, videogames do.

I’d like to say that videogames have never made me violent – but I can’t.  I bought Super Ghouls and Ghosts in 1993 and both the spare room in my grandmother’s house and my older brother’s face still bear the scars to this day. Dented plaster-work and a chipped tooth being the price of having to ‘beat’ a game twice in a row. In one sitting.

 

My grandfather ‘banned’ our SNES for the rest of that summer holiday. After whipping my bare back with a 24 inch length of plastic curtain rail, he locked the SNES away in the top-most closet in the pantry – not to be seen again until September, when my parents came to collect me.

 

On the one hand, I spent far more time out in the sunshine than I would have done normally. On the other, that was the summer I had my first cigarette, had my first taste of alcohol – and learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what was really underneath Kathryn Amis’ impossibly tight sweater.

 

Two of those experiences I have continued through to my adult life – Kathryn Amis told me I was a ‘fucking prick’ that same september and I haven’t seen her since.

 

I was 15. And I blame Nintendo.

 

 

I now smoke 20-30 a day, I definitely drink too much and I don’t currently have a girlfriend. If I die of liver failure or a smoking related disease –  I want you to understand that it is definitely Nintendo’s fault.

 

About five, years later I was at university. The N64 was out and I really wanted to buy one. Mario 64! Mario Kart! Oh my days!

 

How much would I have loved to have had that console Day One. Except, I couldn’t afford it – seriously £70 per game and a £299 price tag for the console itself?! You kids with your crazy Amazon discounts? Honestly, you’ve never had it so good!

 

I’d already spunked my student loan right up the wall. On a Sony Playstation as it happens – I don’t care how good Final Fantasy VII was, it just didn’t have the visual impact of Shigeru Miyamoto’s legendary platformer – or the multi-player thrills of Goldeneye!

 

Some friends of mine had an N64 though, and they didn’t mind me popping over to play it as often as I wanted to. They also really liked marijuana and ketamine too, and I must admit, it didn’t take me long to acquire a taste for them either! : )

 

Choo Choo!

 

I’d have to go home eventually though, and as much as I LOVED Alundra, it wasn’t Mario 64. One evening, I was trying to defeat Zorgia – easily the hardest boss in the game for me. I hated that scaly bastard.

 

You’ll have to forgive me, thanks to a particularly depressing comedown, my recollection of this is kinda sketchy – anyway, to cut a long story short I smashed my PlayStation controller into the front of one of those glass fronted Fire Alarm boxes in my Student Halls corridor.

 

It was like, 3am in the morning. The firebrigade got called out, all the students were out in the cold wrapped in their duvets, girls shivering in their Hello Kitty pyjamas! People were really pissed off at me.

 

As well as getting hit by a rather hefty fine, I got thrown out of halls of residence after that – which really sucked as I had to move in with my N64-owning, K-hole buddies.

 

I traded my PlayStation for a VERY entertaining night out in Manchester city center and University kinda fell by the wayside after that.

 

I never did finish my English degree.

 

I was 20. And I blame Sony.

 

 

If I die, having never made it as a Journalist, I want you to know – it’s definitely Sony’s fault.

 

Last year started off pretty good! Even though my marriage was in ruins, I did get to see my kids now and then – more so since I’d got out of rehab. I got a job selling caravans and I was pretty good at it actually. I was doing really well for myself.

 

I had an Xbox 360 at home. What a console! Have you played Lost Odyssey? Marvellous, isn’t it? And that Beyonetta?! Hooo-weee!  Videogames have certainly come in in leaps and bounds since i was a kid! My kids blood love that Call of Duty. Black Ops, Modern Warefare, they’re all over that game.

 

My kids also love Crash Bandicoot: Mind Over Mutant.

 

I don’t love Crash Bandicoot: Mind Over Mutant.

 

Just thinking about it makes me want to strangle a dog with my bare hands. My therapist suggests this is not normal – or what she calls ‘an appropriate response’ – but if you’ve ever had to listen to that game at full volume for like, 12 hours straight you’ll know exactly what I mean.

 

Throw in the incessant arguments and the high pitched squeals you’d associate with a 5 and 7 year old, and you’ll know EXACTLY why I snapped.

 

So I took a leaf out of my Grandfather’s book, and I decided there was only one course of action. I locked the children in the cupboard under the stairs and went to the pub to ‘teach them a lesson’…

 

Nothing like the twin punishments of ‘No Xbox!’ and the sound of an eerily empty house, to bring the youth of today back in line! : )

 

I came home two days later after an abusive call from my next-door neighbour – apparently the police were round my house. My eldest son, the one that wasn’t as dehydrated managed to kick the door open, had gone next door and phoned their mother. She was oh-so-very keen to press charges!

: (

 

I can’t say I enjoyed the following 24 hours in police custody.

 

I’m 35 years old. And I blame Microsoft.

 

 

If I go to prison – and die there for the charges of  neglect – I’d like you all to understand, this is definitely Microsoft’s fault.

 

I can’t say I’m in a particularly happy place right now. I don’t see my kids, I have no meaningful relationships with women. I don’t actually own a console any more. I’ve got to be honest, I can’t really afford them – but I do have a Samsung Galaxy SIII which I got second hand from CEX.

 

I’m playing an awful lot of Order and Chaos now that the latest update removed the subscription fee – but I’m kind of sick of the endless nerfs the Monk Class is getting. Actually it makes me feel quite angry – I swear I’m not as effective a healer as I once was…

 

Anyway…

 

Apart from my solicitor, partying up with my guild is probably the only meaningful contact I have with other human beings, which I guess is better that actual loneliness, right?

 

Anyway, enough about me! lol! Before I go though, I just want you to know. If I shoot myself tonight – it’s definitely Android’s fault.

 

Until next time – if there IS a next time.

 

Lots of love

ILJG xxx

 

ILJG runs the I Love Japanese Games Facebook Page.
His views are not those held by Rice Digital or it’s partners.



  • Shadow

    I knew it was video games fault.

    • http://www.facebook.com/peter.crowley.75 Peter Crowley

      Actually, it’s not, if you looked at the evidence, including Psychological research, it was the upbringing that was to blame for the problems in life, and video games were the escape from those problems.

      Only an ignorant fool with no grasp on reality would blame video games for one’s problems of flawed life. This case was an abusive parent, and quick and overexposure to substances such as chemically altered Tobacco, and Alcohol. mixing the abuse from childhood from an abusive elder, with cigarettes and alcohol, you have the typical lifestyle that results in abuse through generations.

  • http://twitter.com/MarcusDelby Marcus Delby

    Videogames are Evil. Everyone knows that. You should sell your story to the Daily Mail… or Fox News! : )

    • http://www.facebook.com/peter.crowley.75 Peter Crowley

      The story is false, video games are NOT to blame, as our friend EVIDENCE can reveal. Clearly this is the result of abusive behavior from an elder,m combined with early exposure to unhealthy controlled substances. all of his problems are the result of his terrible upbringing, and NOT the video games.

      Inattentive parents, abusive grandfather, early exposure to cigarettes and alcohol, all bring one to the abusive lifestyle. The fact this fool blamed video games for such a terrible life is a blinded field of vision, of which is inexcusable.

      Before you jump on video games, look to your upbringing first, if you’re abusive, look at how your parents punished you. if you were whipped in the back with a curtain rod, you’re likely to become abusive too.

      You clearly dont know what you’re talking about, as video games are an escape from reality, a form of entertainment that is FUN, and ARTISTIC. You become a part of their canvas while in-game.

      His terrible life is the result of a terrible upbringing, and NOT in any way, shape or form, to be blamed on video games.

  • http://twitter.com/Tony_Iron_Stork Tony Stork

    Personally I blame post-it-note manufacturers. If they just made those things stick like they are supposed to instead of peeling off when you aren’t looking and floating to a foot-printy grave on the office floor, people wouldn’t get so damn angry all the time!

  • http://twitter.com/Assassinprinny Andrew Arndt

    …… u be trolling i hope we all know video games arent to blam for stuff like shooting or stuff rigth ?

    • http://www.facebook.com/peter.crowley.75 Peter Crowley

      He’s gotta be trolling, obviously.

  • http://www.facebook.com/peter.crowley.75 Peter Crowley

    That story is either trolling, or someone’s delusion that I will PROVE is BULLSHIT!

    1: It’s your upbringing that determines what kind of person you become, not the things you play with!

    2: That year you first tasted alcohol and smoked a cigarette was your own doing, and possibly the result of peer pressure, which is the result of PEOPLE.

    3: Psychologists have concluded that it’s not video games that make one violent or addicted to anything, it’s actually peer pressure and the actual exposure to the substance that leads to addiction.

    4: Video games are a much healthier addiction compared to all manner of narcotics and controlled substances.

    5: If you’re going to blame aggressive behavior on anything, blame it on the competition in general, as competitive events in any shape or form creates aggression, as PROVEN by psychology, the science and study of human behavior!

    6: All of your blame falls to YOU, your parents, and other people around you for your problems in life! it has been PROVEN that video games are NOT the cause of substance addiction, violent behavior, or negative lifestyles! Any claim to blame video games for violent outbursts is a false accusation, which can and WILL be proven as such.

    If you’re going to blame anyone for your problems, you best go blame yourself, your family, and the people who fucked over your life, and NOT THE VIDEO GAMES!

    I’m 29 years old, I have a girlfriend, I have no criminal record, I play video games almost CONSTANTLY, I have a stable income, I’m SOBER, I have never failed a drug test, and I have never faced a child abuse charge.

    If you’re 35, in prison, and having all those problems genuinely, then your upbringing was terrible! Your parents were inattentive you had an abusive grandfather, and you were clearly not aided in how to deal with your aggression! Blaming video games for your flaws and other problems in life falls entirely to you and your elders and NOT Video Games!

    In short, blaming video games for your problems is BULLSHIT! your whole story is BULLSHIT! FACTS PROVEN AND EXPOSED! BIATCH!

    • http://twitter.com/MarcusDelby Marcus Delby

      Er… are you going to tell him, or shall I…