Top 5 Upcoming Bill Trinen Trintrolls
The world was in shock yesterday when Bill Trinen (@trintran) seemed to announce he would be leaving Nintendo on Twitter, with a tweet and an update to his profile, before then going back on it. It all turned out to be linked to the then upcoming Nintendo pre-E3 announcement video. There’s no two ways about it. We got fooled. And Trinen was more than happy to revel in it, once again proclaiming himself the #Trintroll.
I guess nothing can last for ever.
— Bill Trinen (@trintran) May 13, 2015
Wait a second… It’s not 9 AM PT yet??? #JapanTime #Trintroll — Bill Trinen (@trintran) May 13, 2015
But he can trick us no longer. Here’s 5 upcoming Trintrolls we can expect in the future:
Trinen Announces Sony and Microsoft are Better than Nintendo
In a Nintendo Direct video Bill Trinen will casually mention that Sony and Microsoft have really good consoles and are doing better than Nintendo. The camera shot will change to a side-close-up of Bill Trinen’s face. Trinen will turn to that camera, look it in the eyes and cheekily wink, “not,” before going on to talk us through some of Nintendo’s great upcoming titles.
The Legend of Zelda Wii U Wasn’t Really Delayed Until 2016
It actually came out a solid month ago. With a hop and a skip during a Nintendo Direct Bill Trinen will release us from the spell he weaved, and the truth will finally be revealed to our mortal eyes. Crowds will rush out to their local game stores to find it already adorning the shelves, old copies of video game magazines will be hastily flipped open to find the review scores, perfect 10s, indeed published on the day Trinen said it was. When asked how he did it, he will look bemused.
Trinen Announces the Cancellation of Nintendo’s NX Console
He will face the camera during a Nintendo Direct and look glum. Just all around “pooped out”. He will tell us how hard they have been working on the mysterious Nintendo NX, but will say they regrettably had to cancel the Nintendo NX console. The camera will then pan back, revealing the now grinning Trinen is hooked up to a massive throne, wires spilling out. He is strapped down. “Because the NX is no longer a purely console-based experience,” he’ll say with a wry smile. “The NX will operate on a purely consciousness based level.” But it will require a human sacrifice, he explains — one person in the centre of it all, and Bill Trinen has naturally stepped up to the plate, more than willing to bring the people what they want, revelling in its unexpectedness. They will turn the switch on live during the Nintendo Direct. He will groan and then go silent. Then his eyes will open, revealing his pure soul, unfettered by his human form, and the NX within. We will put down our Game Pads and 3Des, walk forward, and join him.
Trinen Announces a Partnership Between Nintendo, Amazon, and Google
Stocks rise dramatically until Trinen reveals the ruse, and are then palmed off quickly causing a new global market crash. Trinen, as the master troll and the only one aware of his scheme already invested in several key small publicly traded companies that would flourish in the adversity, funnelling that money back into Nintendo. As the only cash rich corporation after the crash Nintendo quickly seizes control of Japan financially, before spreading to America, and then the rest of the world. Trinen watches this unfold on a Wii U game pad, easing back into his chair. There is no joy on his face, not anymore. He appears weary, but gradually, as the transition completes, his features soften from relief. Who were we to trust ourselves with our own fates? There is such arrogance in man. As if we could really choose correctly? Trinen saved us from having to make that choice. Saved us all. BUY A WII U.
There is no Trinen
Only Zuul.
